I'm Here

* * *

'Hir' - a transcript:

Melissa sits in the back of the classroom afraid to speak up.
She pulls akwardly at her extra loose khaki cargo pants,
She doesn't want the boys to notice her.

James finds himself at the back of a classroom,
His baseball cap casts a shadow on his pimple stained forehead,
A wide shirt hangs from his broad shoulders,
But no one ever noticed him.

"Melissa"
The teacher asks,
And she says nothing because she is not here,
And Melissa has never been here,
Because Melissa is just some abstract jumble of syllables that doesn't fit her position.
She is not what she seems,
She doesn't want to have to explain to her mother for the 232nd time
Why she doesn't want to wear a dress to prom,
Doesn't paint her face it's cause her whole body is painted on.

"Melissa, Melissa"

James doesn't want to have to explain where he came from,
'Cause with the exception of Melissa he has been deemed an abstract reality by everyone.
All he wishes for is to get to wear a tuxedo to prom.

And Melissa has been tucking in breasts that will be growing for three years now,
Been using duct tape to press them down and mould them more into pecs.
She just wishes that people would understand
That at birth her genatils didn't know which way to grow,
Mad at God who couldn't relay a message directly to her hormones
That they should produce more testosterone.
The only person who understands her is James,
And they have been playmates since the age of four,
Around the time girls notice boys and boys notice girls...
See James' family wanted daughters instead of sons,
And Melissa was always like that male beetle that everyone called a ladybug.

"Melissa, Melissa where is she?"

Sometimes she wishes she could rip the skin of her back,
Every moment of everyday feels trapped in the flesh of a stranger,
Melissa.
As she stands to her feet wanting to say:
"I'm here, I've been here since I was born,
So quit asking me if I'm a him or a her,
'Cause when you combine the two pronouns you get H-I-R -
Hir -
And God combined the two genders and put me in this body transgendered,
I'm here so quit talking about me like I'm not here."

James falls back into Melissa's skin,
And the two comfort each other in a syncapated heartbeats,
Waiting for the day when Melissa can finally scrub off this made up genetic make up;
When the teacher asks for James and he can say
"I'm here."

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I think this requires a little explanation...

I first saw this video when it was featured on feministing.com the other day, and it really struck a chord with me. I thought it was both a great performance and an emotive exploration of what it's like to be transgender.
This is not something I feel in a position to be able to comment on - I myself am not trangender, and I don't know anyone who is - but still I felt I was able to relate to 'Melissa', the transexual in the poem. This is because I can definitely relate to the feeling of being torn between conflicting identites.
I also think that Melissa and I relate to the issue in similar ways. Melissa knows that she would prefer to be 'James' ('all he wishes for is to get to wear a tuxedo to prom') but she is stuck with 'her whole body ... painted on' both because people don't understand her situation, and will not accept her as transgender, but also because, to some extent, she is in love with her own ambivalence. She does not want to be known as 'he', but as 'hir', a combination of the two identities.

And that is, I feel, where I stand with my own multiple personalities (though they are not quite as definitely defined as 'James' and 'Melissa'): I take some kind of sadistic pleasure out of my own ambivalence, and revel in my confusion, however painful it is. It's like walking into a dark forest, knowing that you'll never find your way back, but carrying on walking anyway because you want to find whatever's in there - you're convinced there's something there - however hard the journey may be. Every step taken is over hot coals, but still I press onwards, into the depths of myself.
Maybe one day I'll be ready to accept myself for who I am, however many identities that may be, and be able to define myself as 'here'. Until then, I guess I'll just have to keep searching...